Meeting Famous Lesbians Part III : Melissa Etheridge

January 12, 2012 at 9:47 pm (hollywood, Lesbian, memoir, queerspawn) (, , , )

Okay I am 99.9% sure it was her. If it wasn’t and it was just some poor lesbian who looked like her having lunch at Hugo’s in Studio City, well at least I made her day with my enthusiasm. I didn’t have any lesbians with me to confirm her identity but I’m really good with faces and I’ve always kind of thought she looks a little like my mom, so as I said 99.9 %. Upon seeing her picture again i’ll even add .05% to it.

To set the scene, I was meeting a friend to get feedback on my memoir and it being LA, I noticed upon plopping down that Vanessa Hudgens (of High School Musical “I dated Zach Efron” Fame) was sitting at the next table over, with only a thin pane of glass between us ( we were seated outside). While I admit to reading gossip blogs, I couldn’t bother to be impressed by her- I know who she is but that doesn’t necessarily make her special. I have not heard good things about “Suckerpunch.”
So I went about advising my friend on her personal problems and neglecting the question of tense in my writing, and Vanessa leaves after kissing who assume to be Austing Butler? I think that her boyfriend’s name ? and towards the end of the meal once we’d finished our egg-white oatmeal frittata, which was better than it sounds even though it included kamut, who should be seated right in my eyeline on the opposite side of the glass but Ms. Etheridge out to lunch with a lady friend.

I about died- and that is why I think it was her, that instant heart based gut reaction. I immediately began to strategize how to approach her and what to say. A few minutes later I strolled into the restaurant with what I hoped was casual purpose and veered in the direction of her table.
Despite my planning, I believe I came off as a babbling fool and probably overwhelmed her. I approached the table, leaned in a little and said, “Excuse me, I hate to interrupt but I just had to say Hi, because I was so excited.” She took my hand and asked me to introduce myself, “I’m Kellen Kaiser and I’m Queerspawn and my little brother, who’s a decade younger than me, loved your songs so much as a little kid and at three knew every word to them, and used to sing them out loud in the car, and now he’s a frat boy at Long Beach State.” I’m not sure why I’d decided that was the most important thing for her to know but there it was. She smiled and said it was nice to meet me, her companion seemed amused at the encounter, like well, this is what happens to you when you’re Melissa Etheridge, crazy people approach you as you peruse the menu. Or at least that’s what I imagine she was thinking…. It’s funny to find out who you really are in awe of- She qualifies. She’s a Big Fish of Famous Lesbians. It’s like her and Rosie O’Donnell. I’m coming for you Rosie- watch out!

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Introducing Myself to Famous Lesbians Part 2: Meredith Baxter

June 2, 2011 at 9:25 pm (Lesbian) (, , )

In comparison to Cat Cora, Meredith Baxter did a much better job of looking the part. Think plaid shirt, short hair, blue jeans with earrings.
I was in the audience at a storytelling event and was thinking, man, there are a lot of lesbians in the crowd tonight, Ms. Baxter included. It made me feel right at home. I thought to myself with this many lesbians in the room I should know one of them and lo and behold- I did. It was very satisfying. I looked straight in front of me and saw the awesome ladies who own the land next door to the Ranch-way up in Ukiah, a full 600 miles to the north- but there they were. Wouldn’t you know it, they knew Ms. Baxter and so I got an introduction. It turned out they were on the cruise that served as her coming out party. The lesbian world is very small.

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Clitoris Watch 2010

June 20, 2010 at 10:38 pm (Lesbian) (, , , , , , , )

Because she knows I care about this sort of thing a former collegue of mine forwarded me the link to this insane article about a doctor at Cornell slicing off little girls clitorises and then testing them years later with vibrators while their parents watched. Talk about something that could mess a child up, lord almighty.

In another indication of the fucked up modern age my first reaction was OMG!, not “oh my god” but the literal letters, perhaps spurned by the medium by which I received this horrific news. I could not believe the ivy league was sponsoring this child molestation/mutilation and only felt better when I saw in the comments the amount of people pledging to do something about it and the contact info for the Doctor who’s doing all this. I’d hate to be his email inbox this monday morning. Jeez Louise and big apologies to the poor young ladies affected by all this…

In vaguely lighter news, I am amused by the upcoming reality series ” The Real L Word”. Another show about lesbians with no real butch characters. In this batch the butchest of the ladies looks about as butch as Jodie Foster, who kinda tries to pretend she’s straight. She’s rocking a shaggy bob with highlights and works in fashion. They couldn’t do better than that- for “Real” Lesbians? It’s silly. If I made a show about Lezzies i’d call it the B word and have it be all about Butch women for once. I’m a primarily straight girl but if I were to date a woman i’d want her to be a hot butch woman, not any of those ladies.

There are a million hot young urban lesbians in Los Angeles who could provide plenty of drama for the cameras, (i saw them at pride, loving and fighting both and was admittedly tempted) but this show isn’t that, it looks much more santa monica/malibu than downtown LA. It’s too bad really and i’m wondering who the target demographic for the show is- I never watched the first L Word because if I want to watch Lesbians all I need to do is go home and visit my family- no need for television- but since I plan to pitch something to LOGO evenetually about lesbians I would love to have been a fly on the wall for that meeting. “We need lots of real live lesbians from los angeles, but only hot femme ones that like other hot femme ones…yeah…but not like a porno right?”
“No, No not like a porno…”
They should have gone the direction of “Kim” from ANTM or skater chicks or something….
Poor clitorises….

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Happy Mothers day to all my mamas!!!

May 11, 2009 at 3:58 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

People often kid with me once they know my familial situation that mother’s day must be really stressful. All those mothers…I joke back that at least I get father’s day off. But seriously folks, I am way lucky when it comes to my family- I got four amazing moms, each one unique and precious and loving.
The AP via Yahoo had an article yesterday about how five years of gay marriage in Mass has not led to the apocalypse. Check it out at:
I enjoyed it as there were some queerspawn included.

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Queers, Jews and Babies

May 5, 2009 at 5:34 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

two out of four of the moms

two out of four of the moms

Things worth mentioning: today I found out breast milk is parve thanks to Frum Satire also big shout out to all the awsome things that are happening in terms of Gay rights. Wish my rights didnt hang on public opinion but hey at least we are slowly winning that battle. Check out a good summary at

so i’ve been doing research as part of writing my book proposal that has included undertaking to read all the first hand accounts by other queespawn like me. I have started with ” Families like Mine” by Abigail Garner. It’s  a great book but its definitely made me conscious of how lucky I was growing up. I not only had lesbian parents ,I had great lesbian parents, maybe the best ever. I grew up in idyllic San Francisco.  The gay Mecca.The first chapter of the book mentions the fish bowl phenomenon by which kids struggle due to the disportionate amount of attention put on their family. I loved the attention. I fancied myself rather special. I have a touch of what Augusten Burroughs refers to as ” magical thinking”. Maybe my drama queen personality made me particularly well suite to my environment, like gills in water. I though being the poster child of the gay community was lots of fun, i still get a  little envious when things about queerspawn don’t include me, like ” hey why didn’t they call me about that?’ I guess my being straight helped my chances of gettting used in promotional materials, which is an unfortunate reading of what “turning out well” means.  Mostly I seem to drive interviewers crazy with how persistently upbeat I am. They are always looking for conflict, it sells. “You mean you really never felt ashamed about your family?” You never missed having a male influence in life, really?’ As though my happiness must be a front. Even one of my moms recently asked me a similar line of questuoning, inspired by a friend whose daughter had recently chosen to move in with her straight Dad. ” I’m sure there were times when you wished we weren’t gay” Only, I don’t remember any. honest. ” I’m sure it was hard on you” not really, not in San Francisco. I wanna tell her, lady you were born in 1925. only in lots of places it’s not much better-  present day Iran for instance, i’d rather be in 1925 if I had the choice. Anyhow, i felt a slight twinge of that accusation in the book, like somehow my experience was too happy go lucky to be representative, and maybe that’s true.

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hi and lois

February 27, 2009 at 2:19 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

So yesterday, as i’m doing a test shot for an upcoming project  ” Destrudo”, the director, one Mr. Drake, pulls out a aging magazine that upon closer inspection is a satire on Martha Stewart’s Living.  In it is a friend of the director’ s, who turns out to be the guy who writes Hi and Lois, the cartoon strip ,is mocking a formal dinner party. Hence the title is my attempt to be cute  about writing about the “highs and lows”  of  late.  On the upside, due to my being the governess of a local politician’s progeny, I got to attend a invite only party meant to ingratiate the film industry to the local politicians. It happened to afford me the chance to meet the beautiful and gracious Ali Macgraw, get a quick handshake from Robert Redford, and get told I was pretty by the Governor. How about that ? On the less than fine, what’s up with people ditching their friends for their on -and- off significant others? So I had plans tonight with two of my buddies, and got a text around the time we were supposed to meet up that one had cancelled owing to his having gotten back with his lady, whom he’d broken it off with the weekend before. Then, when I called the other friend to bemoan the first’s lameness, they informed me that they too would be ditching me for the schmuck they happen to bone. Is this hetero-normative? Am I missing the understanding of why this is okay, because I was raised by dykes? my mind immediately counters with the idea that lesbians too could pull this ruse, ditching their friends for whatever minx is currently envogue. So maybe it is not an evil I can explain away with that glorious term?  but still me thinks the prioritizing of lovers over friends is one that begets a society of monogamous, nuclear familied lame-o’s, nonetheless… maybe they are related……

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