Nyna Kaiser

Nina Hartley

Despite my recent contention that my mom resembles Melissa Etheridge, she gets confused more often with the famous porn icon who shares her first name.

I had the good fortune to meet Nina Hartley at a Susie Bright reading awhile back. Introducing myself I told her how people sometimes confuse my mother with her and that my mom is always very flattered.

Ms. Hartley has held up well. Her body is tauter than mine and her chest more ample. That is one of the things they share in common, Nina Hartley and my mom- Big Boobs. I knew this was one of their similarities. They are also both sex pioneers and feminists, both smart blonds born around the same time. Both trained nurses. Why given the chance, I’m sure an afternoon with each other would go by in a heartbeat, as they’d have so much to talk about.

My mother feels fatter, plainer, less glamourous in comparison. I know she owns her sexual power though, she was Leather Marshall of SF Pride, and I know my mom still gets hit on regularly by members of both sexes. They’ve still got it- Ms. Hartley and my mother both.

I commented to Susie Bright while having her sign a copy of her memoir, “Big Sex, Little Death”, about something I’d read in another book, Malcolm Gladwell’s “Outliers.” He had posited that there are certain points in time that create certain types of people. The 1830′s were the right time to be born if you wanted to be a Robber Baron, for instance. Likewise if you wanted to be a world-changing computer genius you were better off being born between 1953-1955, ala Bill Gates and Steve Jobs etc.

Following that logic I hypothesized that perhaps there was a window in time as well for being a sex pioneer. You had to be born early enough to reach maturity around the free love decades of the sixties and seventies.

Ms. Hartley and my mom were born only six years apart and while further research proved there to be quite a range around birthdates for folks as diverse as Betty Dodson (born 1929) and Dan Savage (1964), I think my theory might hold some weight. Ms. Dodson should be given ample credit for being WAY ahead of her time. But Annie Sprinkle was born in 1954, a year after my mother and so was Pat Califia. Susie Bright came along in 1958 and then Nina Hartley was born in ’59. So there is sort of a window of time in a way. I am just super thankful they were born at all since these pioneers paved the way for my own liberation. Thanks ladies! (And Mom!) (And Mr. Savage!)

Okay I am 99.9% sure it was her. If it wasn’t and it was just some poor lesbian who looked like her having lunch at Hugo’s in Studio City, well at least I made her day with my enthusiasm. I didn’t have any lesbians with me to confirm her identity but I’m really good with faces and I’ve always kind of thought she looks a little like my mom, so as I said 99.9 %. Upon seeing her picture again i’ll even add .05% to it.

To set the scene, I was meeting a friend to get feedback on my memoir and it being LA, I noticed upon plopping down that Vanessa Hudgens (of High School Musical “I dated Zach Efron” Fame) was sitting at the next table over, with only a thin pane of glass between us ( we were seated outside). While I admit to reading gossip blogs, I couldn’t bother to be impressed by her- I know who she is but that doesn’t necessarily make her special. I have not heard good things about “Suckerpunch.”
So I went about advising my friend on her personal problems and neglecting the question of tense in my writing, and Vanessa leaves after kissing who assume to be Austing Butler? I think that her boyfriend’s name ? and towards the end of the meal once we’d finished our egg-white oatmeal frittata, which was better than it sounds even though it included kamut, who should be seated right in my eyeline on the opposite side of the glass but Ms. Etheridge out to lunch with a lady friend.

I about died- and that is why I think it was her, that instant heart based gut reaction. I immediately began to strategize how to approach her and what to say. A few minutes later I strolled into the restaurant with what I hoped was casual purpose and veered in the direction of her table.
Despite my planning, I believe I came off as a babbling fool and probably overwhelmed her. I approached the table, leaned in a little and said, “Excuse me, I hate to interrupt but I just had to say Hi, because I was so excited.” She took my hand and asked me to introduce myself, “I’m Kellen Kaiser and I’m Queerspawn and my little brother, who’s a decade younger than me, loved your songs so much as a little kid and at three knew every word to them, and used to sing them out loud in the car, and now he’s a frat boy at Long Beach State.” I’m not sure why I’d decided that was the most important thing for her to know but there it was. She smiled and said it was nice to meet me, her companion seemed amused at the encounter, like well, this is what happens to you when you’re Melissa Etheridge, crazy people approach you as you peruse the menu. Or at least that’s what I imagine she was thinking…. It’s funny to find out who you really are in awe of- She qualifies. She’s a Big Fish of Famous Lesbians. It’s like her and Rosie O’Donnell. I’m coming for you Rosie- watch out!

Is that a halo above his head ?

Zach Wahls has gone viral. The video of the handsome young man speaking to the Iowa legislature on the subject of his lesbian mothers has been viewed over fifteen million times. He has become the face of children with gay parents for a large part of society. He sat down with Ellen Degeneres, he’s writing a book. The response to the video has been overwhelming. Though it originally came out last year, in the past few weeks it’s been sent around the internet with the kind of fervor usually reserved for cat videos. I was sent it by at least thirty Facebook friends, each of whom must have thought upon seeing it- I know someone with gay moms, I better send it their way. Thanks guys- I got it.

Reading over what people posted in the comments section, I was struck by how many people’s minds were changed by the viewing, Marines and Baptists who, once devout homophobes, had been shown the light. There is something about the speech he gives that is so identifiable, so trustworthy and persuasive that it makes you want to vote for him,(many people have suggested he go into politics) or buy whatever he’s selling. The comments on the video lean heavily towards proposals of romance, from both men and women. If I didn’t realize that I’m ten years too old for him, I’d probably give it a shot. It’s no surprise everyone wants to marry him.

He’s just so perfectly American. Sweet, Wholesome, perhaps even slightly sanitized- though when he offered the Reddit community the chance to ask him anything he was refreshingly candid about his porn viewing habits. He comes across as hardworking, loyal and achingly earnest. If you didn’t pay attention to his being an engineer, you might assume he’s a farmer- he’s got a touch of salt-of-the- earth charm. I think it’s the line- “We’re Iowans. We don’t expect anyone to solve our problems for us. We’ll fight our own battles. We just hope for equal and fair treatment for our government.” In another moment he goes a tad Italian, his hands folded in front of him, a slight jersey lilt to his voice. Then he strikes a more preacher like tone, a man on a pulpit. He settles eventually into the stride of a natural orator, passionate but in control. He lists his academic achievements and tells the chairman he thinks he’d make him proud if he was his son.

He is the perfect representative for us, I just wish that we didn’t need someone quite so Perfect. We shouldn’t all have to be Eagle Scouts. Our families right to exist shouldn’t hinge on being well spoken, well educated and well behaved. We should allowed to be starving artists, rabble rousers and dilletantes like everyone else…

I also felt some concern with his ending. He says, “In my 19 years, not once have I ever been confronted by an individual who realized independently that I was raised by a gay couple, And you know why? Because the sexual orientation of my parents has had zero affect on the content of my character.” Because being raised in the gay community had a huge influence on who I am (check out my blog post for Inculture parent magazine, “Why Gay Parents are Superior”). Why are we back to pretending we are like everyone else?

I spent a bit of time playing normal in the media myself. In seventh grade- 1993 – I appeared on CNN to speak about having lesbian moms. The soundbite chosen was very much in line with Zach’s perspective. I said something to the effect of, “We’re like any other American family. We eat dinner, they help me with my homework, we watch television.” The discourse centered around us proving our normalcy, as though that were the trade for equality. We promise we’re normal and therefore deserving of your acceptance. In the years that came after, I slowly changed my arguments in the media towards a perspective that celebrated the differences in our families instead of trying to downplay them. There is something frustrating and sad for me in the fact that twenty years later we are back in the same place dialogue wise.
That being said, I have always believed in dealing with what is instead of dwelling on how we wish things were and in that case Zach Wahls is the perfect person to convince middle America that Gays parenting people is alright. I am much less normal and it would be a burden to have to pretend otherwise. So thank you Zach, from all of us freaks. Fight on!

You know something’s wrong when I am siding with the Salt Lake City Tribune against Jonah Hill. The worlds gone topsy turvy, my Friends. But a new cartoon show on Fox, produced by and starring Mr. Hill has made me do it. When I saw the headline of the papers article,”Fox’s Allen Gregory is an abomination,” I expected the writers to be a Christian Fundie. Instead we both agree that “this is the most homophobic thing on network TV right now.‘’

In the premiere episode of “Allen Gregory,” the unlikely and unlikeable protagonist, a very cosmopolitan, by which I mean pretentious, 7 year old is being raised by a gay father and his larger, butcher, prettier life partner, Jeremy. The episode begins with Allen Gregory, a Golden child replica of his daddy, winning a Tony award. He and his Dad use the social occasion to patronize and embarrass his adopted Cambodian daughter/sister Julie, a character who becomes instantly sympathetic with their bad treatment of her. Thus we are introduced to the world of the show.

There are still states that don’t allow gay adoption, I say it is therefore too early to be joking about gay parents treating their adopted children badly on TV. We have had all of one example so far to distinguish ourselves before we are being knocked down. Modern Family does it right; the Gay Dads aren’t perfect people or parents, but they clearly love their daughter Lily. In “Allen Gregory” the treatment of the father towards his adopted Cambodian daughter is downright offensive.

The only good parenting exhibited in the show comes from the father’s lifepartner, Jeremy, and he admits in the first episode that he isn’t actually Gay and has been coerced into his relationship by the sheer will of the Dad. Great so the one nice guy is straight. Awesome. Could this show get any lamer? Oh wait, it’s not even funny. As the writer from Utah mentions, the big joke the first episode revolves around is the seven year old’s attraction to his older and overweight principal, and his subsequent crapping his pants when she rejects him. Hilarious. Not. I loved Superbad and all but Mr. Hill just lost a lot of respect in my book.

We learn so much from watching television, enough episodes of “ER” and “House” will make anyone think they’re a doctor, or at least know a little more about medicine. I am worried that even though the show is a tongue and cheek send-up of coastal urban culture, it will lead people to think they know something about the types of people the show portrays. I get the feeling it’s a dig at the power gays who work behind the scenes in Hollywood; there’s a more LA feel to the characters than New York a lot of, “let my people call your people attitude.” The kid eats sushi with Pinot Grigio at lunch. I have no love lost for the wheelin’ and dealin’ power-suiters of my adopted hometown but so far the queerspawn on TV have been Lea Michele’s Goody-goody on Glee and then this kid. There are so few examples in popular culture of gay parenting that everything put out there helps to define the evolving image of our families. We aren’t doing great.

On one hand there are more gay characters and themes on television than ever before and Fox is actually leading the network pack. On the other hand some of those characters, in particular the father on this new show are not doing our community justice. I was especially upset when I read an interview given by the actor who voices the father in which he, a straight man, said he’d looked forward to taking the part because he had lived in West Hollywood for many years and felt part of the community. And this is how you repay us? (insert Jewish Mother accent and guilt here)

I wonder if the flaws of this show aren’t a result of people outside the community overstepping their liberties in lambasting it. The ole’ I can talk about my mama but you can’t complaint. There is such a thing as feeling overly comfortable. I will give you a domestic example. My best friend came over this weekend and in the process of working on a Halloween costume, trashed my room. Despite multiple vacuum attempts, my carpet is littered with glitter. She felt far too at home. She clearly did not concern herself with possible consequences and hurt feelings.

I think this might be what happened to Jonah Hill. I am guessing that he thinks of himself as an open minded and tolerant type. I’d bet he has gay friends and maybe with their encouragement even he felt comfortable creating a character like the Dad on Allen Gregory. Far too comfortable by my mind. I don’t care if he had a whole chorus of Gay Boys whispering in his ears the whole time,“this is SO true, there are men just like this everywhere, hahahahaha….” I don’t care if the head writer is gay and has three kids himself. The show is no good.

I was watching television. Nothing special, whatever was on when the power button got pressed. In this case it was an episode of Law and Order:SVU- the one with Ice-T in it. The episode was about a cop who’d shown up dead- and in the twists and turns of the show it turns out despite having dated Mariska Hargitay’s character, he was gay and HIV positive. His end came in relation to a circle of black men who were on “the down low.” When he fell in love with and threatened to “out” one of them, he got killed in response. Ice-T got the dubious honor of explaining the concept of “the down low” to the TV audience.He framed it like being out and gay in the black community was neigh impossible and so gay black men are undercover as a result. Then when he confronted one of them he threatened to “out” them blackmail style in order to get his cooperation and in the process, says something like- “you have sex with other dudes- that makes you gay- period.” And at home in the comfort of my living room, I thought well- that’s not entirely true though. I mean, I’m sure there are black men living a lie due to cultural pressure and all, but some of those brothers are Bi too, and that complex possibility wasn’t mentioned.
Hence perpetuating the misassumption that any man who has sex with men is gay and that bisexual men don’t exist. LAME.

I actually saw a headline on Nerve.com that claimed, “Bisexuality exists,” and was attached to some new scientific study. You don’t say….So I was a little sad to realize that something so obvious could be still up for debate but then again in some places we’re still arguing over evolution, when we share 98% of our DNA with a chimpanzee, so I don’t know why I’m surprised at all on another level.

Anyhow, my day was saved by the commercial that came on afterwards.
It was a Tide commercial, featuring a mother who’s got a child she can’t seem to keep clean. The outstanding part comes in that the child is a “tomboy” and the mom comments as to her acceptance of her child’s lack of gender normativity. It was something like, “She’s never going to be the kind of girl who plays with dolls and keeps her clothes clean and I love her the way she is.” That was the message if not the exact wording. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to being brought to tears by a detergent commercial. I might even forgive myself and switch from my hippie version back to Tide and finally have laundry soap that works. The point is- when did TV get so Gay?

And in another moment of disappointment, Dollywood has failed me too. I love Dolly Parton and her wacky amusement park both. I took a pilgrimage there in 2008, where I admired a musuem full of her outfits,a bald eagle perserve,and I reproduction of the one room schoolhouse she attended. It was international week at Dollywood and so a thin veneer of multicuturalism was spread atop the woodsy americana environs. One could buy a pupusa on grounds that week though few people seemed to know what one was. I felt especially sorry for the troupe of African singers whose vision of America would be Smokey Point, Tennesse. I honored the occasion by buying a sparkly pink pony t-shirt meant for a girl much younger than myself.

This cherished memory of a near perfect place was tarnished recently when I heard that Dollywood had forced a lady to turn her shirt around because it said “Marriage is so Gay.”

It is especially sad because that shirt is wicked funny. Hilarious, in fact. I’d wager that if she hadn’t been identifiably gay herself, it might gone down differently too. Dolly- WTF? I know Dolly Parton herself is a great ally for the gay community, so I am saddened she hasn’t extended her attitude down the line. I am hoping the answer will come in the form of a queer protest in which we all wear gay t-shirts to the park, because that my now be my only excuse to enjoy a return visit.

In comparison to Cat Cora, Meredith Baxter did a much better job of looking the part. Think plaid shirt, short hair, blue jeans with earrings.
I was in the audience at a storytelling event and was thinking, man, there are a lot of lesbians in the crowd tonight, Ms. Baxter included. It made me feel right at home. I thought to myself with this many lesbians in the room I should know one of them and lo and behold- I did. It was very satisfying. I looked straight in front of me and saw the awesome ladies who own the land next door to the Ranch-way up in Ukiah, a full 600 miles to the north- but there they were. Wouldn’t you know it, they knew Ms. Baxter and so I got an introduction. It turned out they were on the cruise that served as her coming out party. The lesbian world is very small.

At the LA Festival of Books, I saw that she was signing copies of her children’s book, “A Suitcase Surprise for Mommy,” and so I tracked her down at booth #577. Introducing myself, I told her as someone raised by lesbians I appreciated her representing queer families in the mainstream.

I wondered if I shouldn’t perhaps have used the word queer-she had french tipped manicured nails. She seemed southern and polite. It was awkward.

Later I thought maybe part of the challenge of being a writer is making small talk with strangers- maybe she just didn’t know what to say anymore than I did.